Tuesday, April 13, 2021


 I don't want to jinx anything.

I really need to express myself in some way, so here are current thoughts and observations on the world and me.

Something seems a little bit better. Yes, I got vaccinated. The rest of my immediate family is half vaccinated. Today, there is some kind of problem with my type of vaccine, but I guess if I were going to die from a blood clot caused by maybe this vaccine, I'd be dead already as I got the vaccine on 12 MAR 21.

Fortunately, I am still alive.

Moving on, the trees are shedding pollen and starting to get green around the edges. Our day lilies have reached at least a foot above the dirt and the gladiolas are shooting up, along with bits of those two other plants I cannot remember, but one gets really tall and has purply pink bunches of flowers and the other has spindly leaves and loads of yellow flowers. All is good there. The lilac bushes have leaves.

That cheers me.

What also cheers me is that some of the skin infection that has plagued me all over my zaftig bod seems to be clearing. I don't want to go into detail, but it is not fun, has not been cured through three different types of cream meds and antibiotics. Perhaps it is because I am not all that bothered by the news, well except for the useless killing of people, but that irritant has quieted and I feel a huge wave of calm washing over my psyche.

Is it my imagination?

Are things getting better?

The numbers of COVID illnesses keeps rising. I still don't go anywhere. I talk with friends via Facebook and telephone and email. They send photos. I try to remember to take photos to send.

I see my oncologist next week. I do not want to be complacent because cancer comes when it wants to.

I've been so lucky to have lasted eleven years beyond a stage 4 lymphoma diagnosis!

And I keep fighting. 

We all keep fighting to survive. We all try to do our best in these trying times and we all want to go back to our lives the way they were. 

But, well, you can't go home easily. And even when you do, it isn't the way you remembered it was.

Monday, March 22, 2021


 Here I sit, surrounded by open desktop, phone, tablet and landline, waiting for a virtual call from my oncologist.

Obviously, something went wrong, as it is now 20 minutes past time for the appt.

Maybe I was supposed to sign up for something that I didn't sign up for. Last tine I had a virtual appt, I got an email with directions to follow to sign on, which I did, and the call went through. Now I wonder whether I was supposed to sign up for something different.

Sign up. Password. Wait. Who are you? Didn't you get the email? Didn't you get the text????

Technology only works when there is a to and a from.

I guess I am not sufficiently a to.

Sunday, March 7, 2021

Over the past few days

 My mind has been tumbling, forward and back.

The days are slowly ebbing away from me and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. But I think that is because I am just treading water.

I haven't even been reading.

I have the newest Janet Evanovich book and it sits on the end table, unopened. I may have read the dust jacket.

Oh, well. I took a photo of my front yard. Karyn took a photo of my long hair. I think I have gained five pounds since the braces came off.

Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass.

The driving force seems to be wanting to get vaccinated.

That's not much, now, is it?

Only perhaps the biggest thing since Jonas Salk.

This photo is of me and my best friend, 1970. I like to remember that day. Her father had 3 whole pigs roasted in a pit for his company picnic.

Life was simple. I accomplished some stuff back then.

Friday, January 15, 2021

Hot Pork

 Back in the pre-Christian era, one Alexander of Greece built himself quite an empire. It stretched from what is now Spain in the west into the area of present day India in the east. (It was so huge, the very idea of it in the past made Julius Caesar cry because his empire wasn't all that big.)

Anyway, Alexander, who became known as being pretty Great, died. He was not all that missed by his four beloved territorial generals, especially not the one called Seleucus, his particular buddy. Thus, with this huge empire existing minus Alexander, the four generals divided the empire up among themselves. For some reason, Seleucus got the majority of land area...from Persia to India. The other three got areas with more people and goods, less sand.

Seleucus was ambitious. Why settle for his measly quarter dominion? He wanted to replace Alexander's entire empire and was quite willing to use his army to obtain more territory. He had amassed a huge army which he supplemented with War Elephants. Elephants carrying archers on their mighty backs. Sharpened tusks and armor...they were fierce and terrified Seleucus' enemies by there mere presence. Think about a dozen or more charging tons of pachyderm busting through the enemy lines, trumpeting and slashing away with their ivories.

So, thus equipped, Seleucus gradually led his army into the territories of the other generals. And won. Gradually, he reconquered the lands to the west...with the help of his infamous War Elephants.

This went pretty well as a military tactic, but not forever. Some brilliant strategists on the other side came up with the idea of setting wild pigs on fire and sending these much smaller animals rushing into the line of elephants. Call it porkchop potential The boars were coated in pitch which was then set aflame. Fiery piggies rushed up to the War Elephants. The elephants apparently were quite afraid of the flaming pigs and broke ranks, turning back into their own soldiers,  scattering and killing them.

Fire Pigs.

Porcine projectiles.

Took down the mighty Elephant Army.

Seleucus did eventually end up taking over most of the rest of  Alexander's Empire, but met his end at the hands of one of the other generals. 

You never hear much about Seleucus the Great but the story of his barbecue tactics lives on.

Tuesday, January 5, 2021


Indefinite time period, but within the past 10 years. Who can remember dates when it is the event that is important?

I am sitting in the waiting room at my local hospital, which I believe has changed names twice since then, but no matter. I am sitting there with my daughter who had to drive me because I was too weak and sorta out of it to drive myself. Maybe it was the x-ray waiting room. There were so many tests back then I just can't remember.

Anyway, after I sign in and go back to my seat, I notice one of the ladies behind the counter smile and hand my papers over to another woman. Then, she pronounces quite clearly, "I see we have a celebrity in here, today."

 I look around the crowded room (pre-covid) looking for maybe Cher or Angelina or even Rosie O'Donnell. Not there. And everyone is staring intently at me.

Huh? Here I sit, wearing sweat clothes and a silly but necessary Finnish reindeer herder's cap on my head, braided wool down the side and pompom on top. Everybody is staring at me?

I do not blush. I cannot blush...totally impossible. I am yellow with chemo coursing through my veins and look like crap because the cap is hiding the fact that I am bald. 

Staring at me.

All I can think of is that somebody had read my books or maybe, my celebrity was on my chart as a joke.  I smile. Cast my glance around the room. Yes, people are still staring at me.

Okay. For one nanosecond, it was cool. 

Just the one.

Friday, November 6, 2020

Long time gone

Gee. Time doesn't pass quickly when one is having fun, nor does it pass quickly when one is miserable.

So, having been miserable for weeks, I'm anxiously awaiting the end of my trauma, for the world to know that it can be set right again, and for my family and friends to speak to one another again.

I fear it is going to be difficult. Too many things have been said or avoided to be easily forgotten and mended.

And when the only thing making me the least bit happy is watching Aquaman several times, well, what does that tell you? The world has been too much with me, late and soon, Mr. Wordsworth.

But, no matter what happens in the next few days or weeks, I remain hopeful. And we should all feel that way. There are too many bad days, too many pains and illnesses, too many broken people for us to completely give up on doing what is right and healing our hearts and minds.

If this is not my normal post, I have to tell you that I have my late autumn pain in my side. I cannot regulate my body temperature, going from hot to cold to hot to sweating. Every year for the past 11 years, I have felt this. Every year I hiccup when I turn. I lose my balance. I get that dark line on my right thumb, and I think, well, it is back and this time, I won't make it through.

But I will never give up. I have dealt with phantom pains and feelings for a decade.

 This time is no different and this time, I will be okay.

Two of the people who attended this remission party have passed away. I miss them terribly. They were not as fortunate as I have been. Take care of them, God.

Monday, October 5, 2020

Tomorrow I get the braces off

It has been since February 8, 2019 since I've been wired. The reason I had my teeth straightened, again, was because my teeth had gone back to the original condition, as in when they first came through the gums when I was about 8.

Crooked and horrible.

I wore braces from the end of 5th grade until I finally

 had them taken off between freshman and sophomore year in college.

A long time. When they came off, I remember smiling all day because there was nothing for my lips to catch on to. I felt human and grown up and pretty. So I kept smiling.

I took photos of my teeth before the braces went on this time, and intend to take them tomorrow, but no one will see the befores. It is quite ugly and an embarrassment.