Saturday, January 1, 2022

The Case of the Unsilent Schnozz

 Trouble falling asleep. Trouble staying asleep. Trouble worrying day after day, night after night.

Well, last night, I was kept awake by a whistle in my right nostril. Szzz, whistle, whistle, sznozz. In and out, whistling.

I tried blowing my nose. I tried inhaling. I tried pinching one nostril. I tried digging around to no avail.

Whistle, whistle, whistle.

Nose knows something is wrong, but nothing I can do fixes it.

If I blow too hard, I'm liable to blow out my brains. (This has happened before, don't  you know?) 

I get up. Go to bathroom. Sit for awhile, contemplating the sound coming through my head, in and out.

Dunno what happened, with me sitting there, tooting my honker. Maybe it was the sitting. Maybe it was shoving some decongestant up there. Maybe it was a supernatural being finally hearing my plea.

The whistling stopped. I went back to bed, wondering what happened and why I'd had the incessant noise for half the night. What did I do wrong?

But, I could breathe and not have to listen to that wheezeflutter booger making that godawful noise.

Happy New Year, everyone. Stay tuned. There's more idiocy to come.

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Cancer: The thing we all hate

 Husband definitely has prostate cancer. He has had all the biopsies and tests and it is real.

He has so far had markers placed into the prostate that will direct the radiation where to go to wipe out this awful thing.

Is he scared?

He doesn't say.

Am I scared enough for him?

You bet.

This is a shitty time of year. 13 years ago just about now, I was told I had my second cancer. I had radiation for the first cancer but this one was more. I had to have chemotherapy. Chemo does horrible things to cancer as well as other parts of your body.

I pray and pray.

Sunday, December 5, 2021

The Silver Swan

 One of the most often used music for try-outs in choral music in high school is The Silver Swan.

This morning it is all I can think about.

Lyrics-wise, it goes something like this:

    The silver swan, who living had no note,

    When death approached unlocked its silent throat.

    Leaning her breath upon the reedy shore,

    Thus sang her first, and last, and sang no more.

Wow, that's pretty heavy.

Four part harmony at least, sometimes contrapuntal in entry, this dirge drags on for only a short time, but it allowed each part to come in, testing the ability of the singer to read the music and entry as well as the tune. I guess this is what the judges were after. Could the alto come in before the tenors but certainly behind the beloved sopranos?

Was the tone sufficient? Not to block out anyone but rather blend to an almost madrigal POS music?

Gawd, how I hated that stupid, horrible song.

Here's why, sopranos be not offended.

It's about a poor beautiful bird, mute its entire life, that when dying, is allowed by nature or God or Richard Attenborough to sing one note. It honks out one bloody note, probably all it has ever wanted to sing its entire short lifespan, and dies.

The sad, pitiful end.

Now, I wonder why this came to me after four hours' sleep. Was there a message in that swan's song? For me?

When death approached--

I've been thinking about the deaths of so many people, of dear many victims of the plague and of unspeakable violence and my current fear of coming to the end of everything.

Do I have only one note to sing? One valuable word to write?

And who, if anyone, would be there to hear it?

(The Silver Swan can be found on YouTube, if you are interested, or if, perhaps, you remember trying out for All State or All County when you could still sing.)

Tuesday, October 26, 2021


 My husband is getting a biopsy for prostate cancer.


It is raining like crazy. Roads are flooded. He doesn't need to go far, but we may have to go through water. He will not be able to drive.

I am scared.

There is an indication of cancer. A strong indication.

OMG, please, NO!

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

 I promised myself I would not get political anymore.

What I will write is about the rampant stupidity surrounding me and this entire country.

Freedom. Liberty. Equality. Common Sense.


I am so discouraged. My voice crying out just bounces off the mountains of ignorance and back at me.

Dispirited. Downhearted. Broken.

That's me.

I would write more, but what's the use?

I alone cannot defeat stupidity. My friends who are shouting haven't done any educating much less converting. And all the flag waving and shouting goes on. 

There are so many problems in this country and this world. Wasting breath and words on that which cannot be changed is futile.

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Today I lost my domain name. no longer existed.  

I've had this domain name since 1996 and, suddenly, I didn't.

This week, this summer, this year has been horrible for me and the rest of the world.

And then, I didn't exist.

Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing, considering how crappy things have been.

But I do exist and I do want to keep on existing and all the pain and sorrow I have felt, and the rest of the world has suffered, has been for nothing.

Well, perhaps some oppressed people have managed to leave their desert, but at the cost of US military and civilians who dared defy their enemies.

That's just what the world has suffered.

Add the freaking virus killing more people who did not need to die!

Yes, I'm feeling pretty awful, but there are others, after all, who feel much, much worse.

God bless us, every one!


Monday, July 5, 2021

July 4th, 2021

 Yesterday, amidst the flag waving and the sparkling skies, I came to realize something...something important.

It wasn't the day to celebrate our soldiers, those who gave their lives for their country or those who are still in the various frays around the world. It was not a day to celebrate how very wonderful our country is, either.

America is flawed.

There are parts of our past that make me ashamed. I am not alone in this. I could list some of the bad things we have done as a nation: how we treat indigenous people, how we treated slaves as animals and still hold some of our people as lesser than some of us, how we took Hawaii from its people on a whim of pineapple producers, how we forget that Puerto Rico is part of our country, how we only lent ourselves out to fight in world wars until we ourselves were attacked, how we have hated the millions of people in the former Soviet Union and China because we were afraid of them...there are so many more instances I can cite, but that's enough for now.

What I want to say is that, 254 or so years ago, some men who could think came up with a plan to establish a new country. One founded on some sort of equality for men who had land and money, and given the principles of the times, it gave certain people a way to climb up the ladder to become citizens who had a right to choose their leaders.

Very wise, but flawed.

They could have, right from the start, done away with slavery. In order to get other things they wanted, they deemed more important, the founding men gave up that idea in favor of two houses of legislature, one representing population, the other equally two members from each new state. It worked, sort of.

They could not foresee everything. In a few years, they had to add a list of rights to the initial idea of constitution, which made things a bit better, but still not achieving everything to make this union more perfect.

Therein lies the problem, but they did try hard. They really did.  And it works fairly well, just not perfectly.

We can all sit in front of our televisions and see injustice and exclusion and war and death that should be bettered. Some of us come up with solutions and pass these brilliances on to our legislators and sometimes these ideas change things. Look...women can vote and old office. The oppressed are slightly less oppressed than they were before. America is still the place people want to be. That's why they keep coming here.

But these rich guys in Pennsylvania didn't get everything right, first thing. And people living now are reading far more into their words to suit themselves and the things they want. Some people like their changes, others do not.

Some people need to view the world through eyes that see the wrong and try to make it right.

This is what America really is, and really should be.

I thank my ancestors who came to this country because the country they lived in was beyond terrible. America was the shining light in the darkness of their old worlds. They came here, worked hard and climbed slowly up a rung or two of the ideal American ladder of success.

They were successful because they wanted to work at it. They tried to shake off the old country ways that didn't allow them to become something other than peasants who owned nothing. And they wanted to be safe.

That's what we all really need to be. Safe. Safe from worrying about the knock on the door. Safe from horrid diseases and unnatural deaths and murder. Safe to own things some people never can have in this world.

Maybe we are too content to sit back and let the bad things roll away from us. 

Maybe we have to do something more to make this the land of the free. Have everyone equal, no matter what.

This is my independence day salute to America. 

I love this country.